The hospital and the tests and the medicalisation of this scared you today. Made it real and big and frightening. We dealt with it though. We talked and got it out and didn't allow it to toxify you. You saw I can do this and you believe I am ok and that nothing you do or say or feel will ever change my love and that you are safe to be who you are - in this and always. Day by day, tear by tear, truth by truth and step by step together, you are realsising that we can do this and that you (and whatever ails you) are ok - I can deal.
You paid attention to the kitten today. You smiled and laughed at him and you stroked him and you let him on your lap and you didn't just stare blankly through him. My heart sang.
You talked to me about your fears and you allowed yourself to cry - big proper heartwrenching crying in my arms. I am so proud of your courage. When I held you, your shoulders felt like little baby shoulders - all bony and skin and no substance and I could feel the bones creaking when you sobbed. Your sadness and fear does not overly distress me, my darling girl. It feels right and real and there are no barriers between you and your true heart or between you and me when you cry and talk angrily through your tears. I am honoured to be shown that hidden side of you, the side you hate so much. Let me soak it up and love it better and ease your heart. Give it ALL to me and I will unburden you and keep you safe.
You allowed me to tell your Dad and when I told you it was done, you seemed relieved and you smiled and we spoke about him and his positive, loving reaction. There was openness and honesty and it was at your instigation. Brave girl. Mama's brave darling. Thank you for taking this seriously and for being responsible when I know all you want to do is curl up on your own and not deal with this for a single second more.
I am here. I will fight for you and with you. I will protect you and love you and guide you and help you to heal.
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