You said my salad smelled nice yesterday.
Food smelled nice to you. Oh god - you not only experienced it, you allowed it and you mentioned it and didn't retract it or explain it away or ask me never to mention it again or tell anyone. It was a spontaneous moment! I can feel a smile on my face just from thinking about it.
For a moment there, you forgot that food is medicine - only ever foul disgusting medicine.
Some latent, sleepy part of your brain - the part that has been put on hold all these months and is forbidden to voice an opinion - snuck past the defenses erected by that bitch inhabiting your mind. It remembered food as pleasure - as a delight to the senses - not a shameful, excessive indulgence. Fuck YOU, anorexia.
Whether you want to or not, you seem to be improving, slowly slowly slowly - evidenced by such incidents. Small things no-one would notice - except me and you.
I won't forget this. Moments like that give me a fleeting glimpse into a future filled with ordinariness.
You are wonderful.
3 comments:
There are so many words and feelings going through my head and heart since I read this post. All I can say is wonderful! A very tiny step, yet a step forward. No wonder you smile when thinking about it, quite rightly so.
That's fantastic. I'm smiling too. And sticking two fingers up at anorexia. xx
Thank you, dear friends.
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